!!!

It’s unwise to share most of your feelings but it is also a curse to not be able to share much. Experiences have turned me into a person who likes to keep things to herself, and keep little expectations from everyone around me. I am blessed (or so I like to think) to get deeply disappointed each time i attach expectations with people to a point now where I do frown but successfully adjust myself in the bed and put myself to sleep.
There’s a strange confusion that resides somewhere deep within me, almost like it has made its home and is growing on me, slowly, but noticeably. I attribute it to my age. I see people around me with strange behaviors and strange values. I am looking at words like injustice and immorality up close. Live, and happy. I am also questioning myself everyday; am i too different? Will i really find no one like me? Or must I change?
While I see every one running after the material things, gossiping about the others, hating on each other, crazy in love with someone, losing sleep over someone, I can not help but think to myself, “what an absolute waste of energy, and time.”
I, too had goals and wanted the material things. I, too have kept hatred and love close to my heart at some point in life and i definitely have cried all night until the speakers of the nearby Mosque roar with the morning prayer call. However, when I look at myself in the mirror today, I see no one looking back. I feel a lot of things, but i shrug them away, never to give them another thought. I do come to acquire a liking for many material things, but i can not help feel disgusted the very next minute for being at my absolute lowest for wanting something material.
About people; you know, they always want something from you. You spend two days sitting with a person, they’ll want you to save them a seat on the third. You’ll share a meal with them, they’ll expect to know a little secret of yours, something that make your eyes glisten. They want to feel important in your life. To get some affirmation that it is not a waste of time because it is, if the person you’re looking at, is going around in circles while you’re holding the whole other kind of compass. I get it. But, it exhausts me to my core. To care. to expect. to express. to let someone in on my emotions and values. My insides scream at me; THEY ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT.
It must sound strange, but I am going to say hi to you like i love you, and i do, i really do. I’ll offer you the last sip out of my bottle too, the one that keeps the water cold on a hot day, but it’ll stop at that. It’s an exclamation mark, if not a full stop. I will do everything a human should do for another human in need.
Sometimes, some events happen in a way, they leave a lasting effect on how you respond to things and emotions. When you go through such events again in your head, you tear up, but feel nothing. Almost like, when you see an old friend you lost amidst the chaos of growing up but just don’t feel the connection anymore.
I grew up a whole lot in not a year, but months. Months that felt like decades though. I kept some people so close to me, that when they said something that I didn’t see coming, it really hit me hard. Either that, or they said nothing at all. In which case, you don’t have to see it coming, but the wait is exhausting and the realization of the truth that you’re just not as important as you thought, is lethal.
In all honesty, I am emotionally very mature, in its truest definition. But it is an unfortunate certainty that at any given instance, the presence of someone alike around me is pretty damn uncertain.

#Peace

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First achievement I am truly grateful for.

I entered university a year ago, with a very heavy heart but i was completely numb. The gap year helped me reach that point. From the very first day, not one day went by where i wouldn’t feel exhausted ..of faking it. Faking everything. My happiness. My passion. My friendships. In short, I have never felt happy going to university. Not even for a day.
It wasn’t my goal since the start but it did become my only goal in very little a time. –To excel in studies. to excel in every task i take. to put my heart and soul into everything that will help build my self esteem. The self confidence that i lost to the words of people who I thought will never leave my side and my own mistake of believing in those words.
I gave my first semester final exams with absolutely no belief in myself. In each exam, i would leave the exam hall a good 1 hour before everyone else or the ending time. I had no reason to stay. My paper would finish and i would recheck it several times before handing it over to the invigilator. I wouldn’t say I had the best papers ever, but they did go fine. I thought everyone would have left soon after me but each day after, my class mates would ask what i do in the paper to finish it so quickly. That is when I doubted myself one more time.
Today, 12/12/17 is when i got my GPA for the first semester. When i was told it is a whole 4.0, i couldn’t believe it. I still can not believe it.
The first person I told it to was my sister. She is the pillar and will always be the pillar on which my successes stand. I also messaged a really good friend of mine. And i waited for mama to come home. The only three people that know about it thus far.
I have come to a realization that not everyone will be happy about your successes. In fact, most won’t be. It is best to not ignite the fire, it can very well burn me down too. I have also realized, and this was a difficult one to accept, that I am in no competition with my classmates. Everyone has their own accomplishments. I need to focus just on mine.
These lessons, i hope, stay on the top of my head. Especially in times when i need them most.
I pray with all my heart, that i never let the seed of arrogance sow in any corner of my heart. And I am downrighttt thankful to Allah taala. Because I abandon Him so many times, but He is always. always by my side. Always have been.

-Alhamdullilah!!

Exceptions to my taste

I love old songs. Even though i usually say i hate slow songs and old songs are mostly slow, i just love the feel to them. I believe it has got to do with this thankless nature of mine for not valuing the time i live in but wanting to go back to those simpler times, as my parents like to call it. Plus duh, songs must mean something!! and if not, they should be loud enough for me to not be able to hear anything. Otherwise, it’s trash for me. Which is why mostly, i don’t listen to the common songs. It’s a common occurrence how most of you go for the tune you can dance to, or play your guitar to. I need something that speaks what i want to say and say nothing when i want to be quiet.

 

The one where i grew up..

Back when I first started writing here, I was a low key pessimist but not really, that’s mostly the judgment people make of me. I don’t feed myself with the negative thoughts that I share with most people, hehe. Which is why when they tell me to stop thinking negatively, all I can say is you know nothing m8. See for me, i like to keep possibilities. I expect the worst and I think that is a big reason why i thank God immensely for where I am right now. Most things He showed me could have been worse.

But I am not a pessimist. Maybe not an optimist either. I am a very hopeful person. It takes a lot to break my hopes after which there’s no looking back. I read about the law of attraction back when i was in grade 5 and very vacuously believed in it too. That belief never really left my side. Not much has changed except that I do realize now that life Is way more real than drawing on a paper and seeing it come true. There are many other factors. Some in your control, and some that leave you completely helpless and clueless.

I can’t say what page of my life I am at right now but I am sure it’s a blank one. I am sure I have to start fresh if I have to start at all. I know what to write as well. I am thankful for the things I have lost and also for the people who stayed with me through out regardless of the moody person i am. There’s much you can learn about the people out there if you observe your family closely. My only mistake thus far was to search for different people outside. They don’t exist. There will be almost different but never completely different people by nature. Hence, you can take notes in those long years you’re stuck with your family.

Year 2016 therefore, goes down in history for me as the most important year In my life. No year in the past or future can come close to it. Because nothing that has happened will ever repeat itself. The major lesson I take with me, is to leave the hands of the people who want their hands left. This is that very point when no matter what you do, things just don’t work out. When you start losing parts of you in saving something that the other person doesn’t want saved, let them go. I found it extremely hard to let go of people that have made little or big space in my heart. I lose myself a little each time i have to unfriend somebody. I also find it extremely difficult to let people know how much they mean to me, esp with words. I just can’t do it. There are times when people compliment me and i forget to say thank you because i get very awkward. but I also know that there are people out there who can look into my eyes and know me all. That my words sometimes in their utmost clarity will mean nothing to some people while for others, my silent whispers are enough. Then if the choice lies with me, i’d choose temporary hurt for losing someone who would want my words, not my intentions and rather choose to be surrounded by the very few who know me by my intentions, if not fully, at least a little, if not by luck, at least by effort.

Besides the many realities which sound so basic now, but came to me all at once so it seemed like the entire world crashed down on me, i got enough time for self reflection. Which eventually, brought me closer to Allah taala. I won’t lie and tell you there’s peace in prayers. But it’s no secret that there’s no peace like the one you get out of the right prayer. By which i mean, what really was your intention before you stood on that prayer mat? For a very long time, in fact, a very very long time, i thought prayers is just to ask for what i want or for when i am sad. And i used to do it. Even when i realized there’s more to it than just that. It’s only when i saw no fruits out of my materialistic wishes that i stopped doing it. I used to pray a lot for my studies and career. Especially when i felt like i am losing my focus. But then again, like they say, what’s not meant to be, will never be. Or more accurately, all of us are dependent on His “kun”.

So all in all, with respect to many things, like people close to me and dreams even closer, my hopes have finally broken. Or my delusions. I don’t know. But they have. And there’s no looking back. It also hurts, i think that won’t ever stop. But i do hope, that each night before i sleep, i have no regrets and no one to miss. Honestly, If I had one wish to make today, I’d wish to finally see success. Any type of success. Because as much as i know that i am stronger than a year ago, i also know that i am at a verge of just wishing for what i should’nt wish for. May Allah forgive me.

As of right now, i just made a playlist for my sister’s wedding tomorrow. In Sha Allah. Hopefully all goes well. Hopefully they like the songs i like because i have, in total, found very less people who like the genres i usually drool over. But i tried to keep it a bit neutral.

There’s a lot i thought i wanted to write here but it seems a bit useless now.. But i do want to finally answer to the title of my first post here.
It says, Money or not? And i stick with a not. Y’know when you’re not a person who likes to live up to appearances, you’d never want money. Basically, that’s what Islam teaches us too. I have started to, and if anyone reads this, you should also look into the way of life of the Holy Prophet (PBUH) regardless of whatever religion you follow. He himself wasn’t a Muslim when even the non believers trusted him blindly. He was a good human being before he was a Muslim.

Anyways, cheers to me for finally believing in the many posts i used to see here and there which would say that time passes. Things get better. That you should save your sanity until it does. And that you should save it with the help of your faith. That never keep someone so close that they get hurt when you leave them or you get hurt when they leave you. That parents should be your first priority after religion. And that nothing is truer than the death that will befall upon us at its prescribed time.

-Peace out. Allah Hafiz.

Why I hate shopping

1.  THE WALKING AROUND! let’s be very honest, all these shops packed in the same space one after another  with only different names but the same lights have more or less the same stuff but nah uh, one just can’t simply choose what they absolutely love from the first shop only because they’re a freaking cat and curiosity might kill them if they don’t look all the other shops in the row. Sheer dumbness. adding to the reason why this particular clause tops the list is because one will simply return back and look again in all those shops THEY JUST PASSED BY. I have zero patience when it comes to shopping, tbh. And by this point, if youre this person, you should stop conversing with me because most probably you’re already dead for me. I am not even exaggerating. also, wait for it !!

2) THE ONE PERSON THAT WILL ALWAYS PUSH YOU! okay so this isn’t general..but it always happens with me no matter how uncrowded the place is. I swear people need to chill!!! like I do. mostly I can’t hear the excuse mes coming my way ( MOSTLY THERE ARE NO EXCUSE MES)because I’m too busy playing sudoku on my cellphone hence the next best option for them is to push and move right past me. AND they will always always be triple my size. How sweet. I’ve got only one thing to say to these people.. SEE YOU IN HELL!!!

3) THE ANNOYING BABIES CRYING AND THE MEN! okay I am sorry, I do believe in gender equality but really? what do men have to do in a very biased women’s shopping market? that too, in one of the most crowded markets of the city. Can’t some women keep their men at home and leave their useless babies at home with the useless men? How hard is it? And OMG the babies, all they do is cry and I don’t blame the little ones, I feel them, totally. If I could, I’d do the same but, sadly.. I have numbers added to my age. double digits that is.

4) THE USELESS CRAP FROM THE SHOPKEEPERS! This is just sad. because I just sit back with the most pathetic expression I can make and let the elders do the talking BUT BUT these shopkeepers will always have to have something to comment on me. I mean what? do I owe you something? you should LITERALLY mind your own business. For instance, this one shopkeeper kept asking my mom if I am her daughter or the daughter in law,  I MEAN COME ON YOU BLIND IDIOT. that’s not it btw, The reason his pea sized brain could think of was BECAUSE APPARENTLY I LOOKED LIKE A PERSON FROM A COMPLETELY ANOTHER CASTE, RACE whatever and i shall be honest, i dont even remotely look like the people from that caste..but my mom and sister could totally be mistaken as one..I mean how blind can you be??!

5) THE BARGAINING/CONCESSION! ! The only time in the whole torture where I feel hopeful of seeing my bed again is exactly when this part comes. The sweet moment when the shopkeeper tells you the price a thousandth time but you MUST act like it’s the first time you hear It. AND THEN PROPOSE A PRICE THAT EVEN I WOULDNT WANT TO BUY IT ON. This Is the only  part btw, where the tables turn, and i honestly feel like I am a fool. Because to be honest, why would any person in their right mind come to half the price they first told you if they didn’t have the intention of totally ripping you off. Bless these tactics my mom has which I still haven’t acquired, for it’s the reason we still have food to eat :’) Each time after the bargaining goes successful, my faith is restored in the phrase time Is money. because honestly, it takes quite some time to save your money.

HAHAHA. sorry for totally ruining the meaning of that phrase. it’s bullshit anyways.

OKAY THAT HELPED ! Now I can sleep in peace.

 

 

 

Kids

How do you define happiness?! If you notice, it Isn’t one whole day or even one complete hour of happiness. it’s just that very moment and instance where your Insides feel a surge of excitement for any reason. It may last longer but it’s only that one instance that I personally define happiness as. That is enough of a reason to value and treasure the people things or moments that may help you live through these brief instances. Happiness is also when you forget about everything else. especially something that’s stuck in your heart like an arrow. I am not a big fan of kids tbh. no one would believe that. They are actually truly ..nvm..I am actually very impatient. but out of general courtesy I don’t mind spending time with them also because I believe this is my happiness. That’s my general opinion on kids. but then I have my favorites. These are my first cousins. I’d do anything for them just out of love no matter what age they reach. Maybe because I’ve picked them up as newborns and now seeing them all grown up just melts my heart. I still don’t like any other kids though. esp if they’re ever mine. haha xD and by liking I mean, I won’t spend my time on them.