It’s unwise to share most of your feelings but it is also a curse to not be able to share much. Experiences have turned me into a person who likes to keep things to herself, and keep little expectations from everyone around me. I am blessed (or so I like to think) to get deeply disappointed each time i attach expectations with people to a point now where I do frown but successfully adjust myself in the bed and put myself to sleep.
There’s a strange confusion that resides somewhere deep within me, almost like it has made its home and is growing on me, slowly, but noticeably. I attribute it to my age. I see people around me with strange behaviors and strange values. I am looking at words like injustice and immorality up close. Live, and happy. I am also questioning myself everyday; am i too different? Will i really find no one like me? Or must I change?
While I see every one running after the material things, gossiping about the others, hating on each other, crazy in love with someone, losing sleep over someone, I can not help but think to myself, “what an absolute waste of energy, and time.”
I, too had goals and wanted the material things. I, too have kept hatred and love close to my heart at some point in life and i definitely have cried all night until the speakers of the nearby Mosque roar with the morning prayer call. However, when I look at myself in the mirror today, I see no one looking back. I feel a lot of things, but i shrug them away, never to give them another thought. I do come to acquire a liking for many material things, but i can not help feel disgusted the very next minute for being at my absolute lowest for wanting something material.
About people; you know, they always want something from you. You spend two days sitting with a person, they’ll want you to save them a seat on the third. You’ll share a meal with them, they’ll expect to know a little secret of yours, something that make your eyes glisten. They want to feel important in your life. To get some affirmation that it is not a waste of time because it is, if the person you’re looking at, is going around in circles while you’re holding the whole other kind of compass. I get it. But, it exhausts me to my core. To care. to expect. to express. to let someone in on my emotions and values. My insides scream at me; THEY ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT.
It must sound strange, but I am going to say hi to you like i love you, and i do, i really do. I’ll offer you the last sip out of my bottle too, the one that keeps the water cold on a hot day, but it’ll stop at that. It’s an exclamation mark, if not a full stop. I will do everything a human should do for another human in need.
Sometimes, some events happen in a way, they leave a lasting effect on how you respond to things and emotions. When you go through such events again in your head, you tear up, but feel nothing. Almost like, when you see an old friend you lost amidst the chaos of growing up but just don’t feel the connection anymore.
I grew up a whole lot in not a year, but months. Months that felt like decades though. I kept some people so close to me, that when they said something that I didn’t see coming, it really hit me hard. Either that, or they said nothing at all. In which case, you don’t have to see it coming, but the wait is exhausting and the realization of the truth that you’re just not as important as you thought, is lethal.
In all honesty, I am emotionally very mature, in its truest definition. But it is an unfortunate certainty that at any given instance, the presence of someone alike around me is pretty damn uncertain.