It takes negative to build a positive.

I’ve known disappointment creep into the deepest corners of my soul. I’ve known the beauty of one single ray of hope making its way inside of me through the smallest hole of faith. I have known to fall and fall hard on the ground and I never learnt getting up until I realized why I was on the ground.. It takes courage to battle something external but it’s downright dauntless to fight something that has made its home within you. It takes pain, a lot of pain, to heal you once and for ever. It takes betrayal to teach you loyalty. It takes darkness to realize the beauty of darkness only. It takes rejection from friends, close friends, soul sisters,soul mates to make you realize your priorities, and their’s too. It takes depression to learn how to respect someone else’s. It takes sleeping pills to remain sane. It takes the hate for rainfalls to learn the gratitude of a sunny day. It takes living a nightmare to stop fearing the characters in it. But most importantly, it takes willing distance, half hearted prayers, deep ignorance, blessings and all of the above, to finally, eagerly, beg and crave for Him, His love, His help and His attention. It takes negative to build a positive. It takes negative to build a positive. It takes negative to build a positive.


Reminder to self

Let not your hopes ever waver

Put your strength to test

Through the storms you will,

Come out even braver

For after every night

A day will always come

As the sun will shine

Say goodbye to the blight

Put your faith to test

Hold on a little longer

Wait for the kun fa ya kun

Indeed, He knows the best!!!!



A lol moment

Okay so to lift the air of negativity and depression, let me share a recent funny event.

You know I never thought siblings are supposed to resemble? as a child, ie. Then biology came Into being for me. but they really are expected to resemble y know? . at least something should. my sister and I don’t. We’re very close in all other ways, to compensate probably. haha.

so yesterday, we were talking to a non Pakistani on Skype, and I say that because only a non Pakistani can ask a question as such xD so she looks at us. talks to us and then suddenly asks the most funniest question in reference to our appearances ..

she asked if my sister and I share the same parents. Hahaha! and my instant reaction was.. is It that bad?? What an amazing thought tho xD

She doesn’t know our culture of course. It’s not like it doesn’t happen but is definitely uncommon to have different parents as a Muslim Pakistani. Even though four marriages are very legally allowed, it’s not considered good in the society and even not advised in Islam in the very verse that deems it permissible. but without further drifting away from the topic,  that’s how un alike we are..apparently

The “it’s time to get up” phase

In any and every failure of any kind, you’ll go through three main phases.

The first, of course would go something like “I FAILED” , “I SUCK” , “MY LIFE IS OVER”,”I DON’T DESERVE HAPPINESS”,”SCREW YOU ALL” (must stop before i say too much, lol) and etc. This phase is called the “hit you right in the face” phase. Yep, i made that up. Of course it’s still true, come onn! Here you’ll bash yourself for every possible mistake you’ve done in life but the one in question. Not to forget you’ll deliberately think about everyone who did something ugly to you to subconsciously bag up some sympathy for your own self. Should i mention how much you’ll cry? no? okay. (but you will)

Moving on to the next phase. This I call the “bitter sweet phase”. Now that you’ve finally made peace with what has happened(after good 3 months, duh) you’ll feel a strong urge to go for it again, or for something new and prove to yourself(actually, to the world) that you can do it! Here you’ll suddenly transform into a problem solver. Or at least you’ll feel like one and do all you can to clean the mess. As much as you think the stimulus to make it work reached the threshold potential, you will still at times feel like you need a bucket full of shit to dig yourself into. In short, you’ll be delusional and hardworking but unmotivated and self abasing..all at the same time.

The third and the final phase is the “it’s time to get up” phase. This is literally the opposite of the first one. Where in the first one you thought about whatever wrong has been done to you, here you’ll think of whatever wrong you’ve done to others. Where you thought you suck and you are useless, now you’ll think you can do it because you’re awesome(also because such thoughts are the need of the hour now) and where you cried, now you’ll find yourself paying no heed whatsoever to any of your emotions.
This is my personal favorite phase. The train of realization runs through all these phases, but this is where it loads off most of its loot. You’ll be a far better person by this stage and realize your true potentials at this stage.

Failures are a blessing. And a greater blessing if they happened to you before you reached the practical world. ( I didn’t make that one up, i swear)
There are many other factors. Don’t be too curious to know and stage yourself up for a failure. Let it find its way to you 😉 we will all go through failures, losses and disappointments many a times in life, I can guarantee that. And we all have the ingredients to cater for the wreckage it causes., I also guarantee that.

-Fi Aman Allah

Who’s she

ignorant, carefree she stood there laughing
blessed is the ignorant, ignorance is a bliss
friends, family, jokes and memories as buoy
nothing came in between, her and her joy
smoothly she moved
through every challenge in life
injured many a times, she fell down never
she stood up each time smiling brighter than ever
surrounded by intimates, their shadows and promises
what is life, without communication she thought
bonded a few to her heart so strong
friendships like these can never go wrong
it takes more than prayers, it takes lots of words
when words seem short, its the actions that play
the circle often grows, the heart’s big enough to hold
but the rule only applies to hearts made of gold
amidst every chores, those bonds she had made
faded away in ignorance, little did she notice
arrogant in trust, as she moved further
the sound of the wreckage, made her shudder
what happened, where did, why must?
she was being taught the greatest lesson in life
in only little a time, who’s a friend, who’s a foe
she learns the ultimate lesson, of letting close ones go
quickly hid the tears, no one knew she’s hurt
to act like it doesn’t matter, to show she doesn’t care
feelings kept aside, always come to greet
feelings are meant to be felt, there’s no escape cheat
with hurtful words or two, of friends now foe
she smile the same still, she laughs a little louder
connect the dots back, she wishes she could do
once she figures out, what’s false and what’s true
for bonds that link the hearts. they never break so easy
friendships she still wants, she’s just a little choosy
the ups and downs acknowledged, she craves a little more
many a windows to escape, but she needs only a door
which leads to a place where puzzles make a picture
of a vivid, laughing moment from the past venture
tries to elude from these complicated knots
where hurtful words, connect the dots.

-if only delusions didn’t delude us


THE logic BEHIND MY HEADSCARF (1400 years later)

Islam is one of the youngest religions practiced on the face of earth till this date and on wards.  I live in an Islamic country (or so it was supposed to be) where most women do cover. If not a face veil, an headscarf. If not with friends and family, definitely in public markets. I mean a casual dupatta on head is quite common a scene here in Pakistan. The only difference is, Pakistan is a secular state. It doesn’t impose Pardah on its women. Rest aside, what happens behind the closed doors happens behind the closed doors.

Today my question is both, Why? and Why not?

Lately, not just a headscarf or niqab( face veil) but most of the Islamic teachings have been molded to suit each’s convenience and desires, to fit in the comfort zone most others live in. Shockingly, but the victims are the Muslims and so are the culprits. I won’t go down the road talking about what’s obligatory and what isn’t. To you your version, to me mine. Yes, sadly and deeply grieving but yes there are versions of Islam now.

Islam isn’t as strict as some of us make it seem. Our society is knee deep involved in disgusting issues for the sole reason of us forgetting about Allah’s commandments but even more because we forgot about the right intention. In the struggle of restoring something that has been lost down the road of modernization and advancement, Islamic scholars or your average Islamic aunty next door come out to look as extremists and “Strange” looking people. Feminists talk about the freedom the “oppressed” women must have and the so assumed “oppressed” women feel like it’s their fundamental right to cover what is, by all means, their body, their face and their hair. Contradiction, hmmm. A word not at all Alien in Islamic history.

For most young girls, head scarf is a normal thing they take on from their mothers who took on from their’s. The purpose may or may not be told to them but the basic definitely isn’t. This gives rise to certain diverse characters in our society. Which is why you’d observe how non Islamic these same women turn out to be later in life(i.e they don’t divert from the habitual head cover but dress/act immodestly) or take off the piece of clothing on their head from scratch, at every and any opportunity they find. This is because the same women who wore something under the label of Islamic obligation at an age where obedience is not rare and looking yourself in the mirror is, found herself less appealing and “oppressed” in her own eyes later on. Clearly, she has to do something which most others, even most other Muslim women don’t choose to do. That’s one part of the big population. The other are women who are baffled about the purpose because they were told it will not attract bad eyes but it still does, and it won’t get you raped, but it still does. The product of such confusion is a woman who’s fearful of what she wants to do, but is too oppressed with what society would think or if she will indeed end up upsetting her God. Then there are women who have due to whatever circumstances or exposure developed an ideology that this is in fact an act of misogyny. Lastly, but most importantly are those who most feminists ignore(because they have no bones to chase here) and most Muslims misunderstand. These are women who never covered. Never have and probably never will. Like i said, going down the slippery road of telling you what’s obligatory and what isn’t, is a mistake i don’t plan on doing today.

So far awful, right? But the satisfying part about all of this is the deep underlying freedom that each of us must celebrate. The idea of feminism most women raise the flag in support of has interfered with the basic teachings of Islam. I strongly believe that Islamic patriarchy is not Islamic patriarchy but instead the wrong understanding of Islamic teachings. Whilst i rant about what’s head on colliding with something it shouldn’t, i can’t help but mention the apparent dooming fate most women fall under. The reason isn’t ISLAM or PATRIARCHAL ISLAM. The cause is the weak personality building of our young girls and sadly, the society we find ourselves living in, is very helpful to add to the problem. Are we sure that the daughters we are trying to protect aren’t instead at a higher risk of falling under the label of oppressed? Not because you told them to cover, but because you didn’t tell them to do it to please God but instead to not avert bad eyes to them. Not because you didn’t let them study in co education, but because you didn’t talk to them  either. Not because their interaction with non mehrams(men besides your father, brother and immediate uncles etc) was limited, but because you made them curious of how it would be otherwise. Hands down, women turn out fine as hell without male interaction or any interaction at all, given that you built them up. Same goes for the men. Islam is all about submission. To Allah. AND NOT TO THE SOCIETAL STANDARDS.

I don’t mind thinking men are superior than women. They are the protectors of women in the society that has sadly given rise to certain men who prioritize their desires and are mislead by the first sentence of this paragraph. God knows, and God knows well, that a woman can protect herself in ways men can not imagine. But in a men dominated society which hasn’t developed in the recent years but is like so since the start of time, a woman not only feels safe but has a backup strength by her side. Physically, men are the protectors of women. At this point on wards, many a roads open up. PROTECTORS? sure, let’s use her because she can’t protect herself. Let’s hit her so she shuts up and has to compromise later unless she wants a divorce and never get married again because society deems so. OR WORSE, ^ WHEN ALL OF THE ABOVE ISN’T A MAN’S THOUGHTS BUT A WOMAN’S.

This is where you give the stage to the so called feminists. This is where you ruined Islam. This is your version and your devil. Don’t pour your acts in the bucket of Islamic teachings. Islam is beautiful. It glorifies women. It strengthens her. The woman who is taught Quran in her mother language knows her rights before you can fool her. Whether you’re her husband, father or brother, you don’t dictate what she wears and what she doesn’t. Whether she must laugh in the public or she mustn’t. What was in your hands was her brought up, the thoughts you feed them will show when he/she grows up. A Muslim who loves ALLAH, will abide by all His commandments. Notice how i mentioned love and not fear. Love makes you do things out of your will and satisfaction. Fear only helps you not deviate from the path. Are our teachings really on track to give rise to good Muslim women or are we just creating more ways for men to feel more superior in ways they aren’t? How come our society came to a point where a woman’s life is over when she has premarital sex, intentionally or unintentionally, but a man can get out of it like a hair in oil? How come a woman who dresses up modestly is still looked at with the same lust if that was the purpose it was supposed to serve? Must we go back to the age where not women, but men were taught the right conduct. The Quranic verse where a woman is told to cover(24:31) follows by the commandment to a man who must lower his eyes(24:30). THAT IS, A MAN WAS COMMANDED TO OBSERVE THE PARDAH BEFORE A WOMAN WAS. By all means, interpret the verses with your wisdom. But let us for once, look at our sons and then our daughters. Or at least, look at them both!!! Let us for once, see if we are saving our own women but destroying the women of other houses. Let us build a society that roots for equality of gender in terms of conduct.

I aver that a woman cover when she wants to. A man has nothing to do with it. She covers for Allah and in love for Allah, not for a man. And that is the only way she will do it by her own will. I aver that a man guards his modesty the way he wants to, he does it for Allah and in love for Allah, not out of respect for a woman. Before you think of the purpose the commandments will serve, and the consequence of not following them, think and ponder upon why you were born a Muslim and what does it really mean to be a Muslim.
At the end of all, realize that Islamic teachings are supposed to make your life easier on a whole. If they aren’t, you aren’t a)taught the right Islam b)taught the right Islam from the right age and thereby find it difficult to divert from what has now become normal to you. Remember that the best of Judges is Allah taala, and remember that He Judges you on your right intention before you even act on them.

-Fi Aman Allah