First achievement I am truly grateful for.

I entered university a year ago, with a very heavy heart but i was completely numb. The gap year helped me reach that point. From the very first day, not one day went by where i wouldn’t feel exhausted ..of faking it. Faking everything. My happiness. My passion. My friendships. In short, I have never felt happy going to university. Not even for a day.
It wasn’t my goal since the start but it did become my only goal in very little a time. –To excel in studies. to excel in every task i take. to put my heart and soul into everything that will help build my self esteem. The self confidence that i lost to the words of people who I thought will never leave my side and my own mistake of believing in those words.
I gave my first semester final exams with absolutely no belief in myself. In each exam, i would leave the exam hall a good 1 hour before everyone else or the ending time. I had no reason to stay. My paper would finish and i would recheck it several times before handing it over to the invigilator. I wouldn’t say I had the best papers ever, but they did go fine. I thought everyone would have left soon after me but each day after, my class mates would ask what i do in the paper to finish it so quickly. That is when I doubted myself one more time.
Today, 12/12/17 is when i got my GPA for the first semester. When i was told it is a whole 4.0, i couldn’t believe it. I still can not believe it.
The first person I told it to was my sister. She is the pillar and will always be the pillar on which my successes stand. I also messaged a really good friend of mine. And i waited for mama to come home. The only three people that know about it thus far.
I have come to a realization that not everyone will be happy about your successes. In fact, most won’t be. It is best to not ignite the fire, it can very well burn me down too. I have also realized, and this was a difficult one to accept, that I am in no competition with my classmates. Everyone has their own accomplishments. I need to focus just on mine.
These lessons, i hope, stay on the top of my head. Especially in times when i need them most.
I pray with all my heart, that i never let the seed of arrogance sow in any corner of my heart. And I am downrighttt thankful to Allah taala. Because I abandon Him so many times, but He is always. always by my side. Always have been.



The one where It all ends..

Back when I first started writing here, I was a low key pessimist but not really, that’s mostly the judgment people make of me. I don’t feed myself with the negative thoughts that I share with most people, hehe. Which is why when they tell me to stop thinking negatively, all I can say is you know nothing m8. See for me, i like to keep possibilities. I expect the worst and I think that is a big reason why i thank God immensely for where I am right now. Most things He showed me could have been worse.

But I am not a pessimist. Maybe not an optimist either. I am a very hopeful person. It takes a lot to break my hopes after which there’s no looking back. I read about the law of attraction back when i was in grade 5 and very vacuously believed in it too. That belief never really left my side. Not much has changed except that I do realize now that life Is way more real than drawing on a paper and seeing it come true. There are many other factors. Some in your control, and some that leave you completely helpless and clueless.

I can’t say what page of my life I am at right now but I am sure it’s a blank one. I am sure I have to start fresh if I have to start at all. I know what to write as well. I am thankful for the things I have lost and also for the people who stayed with me through out regardless of the moody person i am. There’s much you can learn about the people out there if you observe your family closely. My only mistake thus far was to search for different people outside. They don’t exist. There will be almost different but never completely different people by nature. Hence, you can take notes in those long years you’re stuck with your family.

Year 2016 therefore, goes down in history for me as the most important year In my life. No year in the past or future can come close to it. Because nothing that has happened will ever repeat itself. The major lesson I take with me, is to leave the hands of the people who want their hands left. This is that very point when no matter what you do, things just don’t work out. When you start losing parts of you in saving something that the other person doesn’t want saved, let them go. I found it extremely hard to let go of people that have made little or big space in my heart. I lose myself a little each time i have to unfriend somebody. I also find it extremely difficult to let people know how much they mean to me, esp with words. I just can’t do it. There are times when people compliment me and i forget to say thank you because i get very awkward. but I also know that there are people out there who can look into my eyes and know me all. That my words sometimes in their utmost clarity will mean nothing to some people while for others, my silent whispers are enough. Then if the choice lies with me, i’d choose temporary hurt for losing someone who would want my words, not my intentions and rather choose to be surrounded by the very few who know me by my intentions, if not fully, at least a little, if not by luck, at least by effort.

Besides the many realities which sound so basic now, but came to me all at once so it seemed like the entire world crashed down on me, i got enough time for self reflection. Which eventually, brought me closer to Allah taala. I won’t lie and tell you there’s peace in prayers. But it’s no secret that there’s no peace like the one you get out of the right prayer. By which i mean, what really was your intention before you stood on that prayer mat? For a very long time, in fact, a very very long time, i thought prayers is just to ask for what i want or for when i am sad. And i used to do it. Even when i realized there’s more to it than just that. It’s only when i saw no fruits out of my materialistic wishes that i stopped doing it. I used to pray a lot for my studies and career. Especially when i felt like i am losing my focus. But then again, like they say, what’s not meant to be, will never be. Or more accurately, all of us are dependent on His “kun”.

So all in all, with respect to many things, like people close to me and dreams even closer, my hopes have finally broken. Or my delusions. I don’t know. But they have. And there’s no looking back. It also hurts, i think that won’t ever stop. But i do hope, that each night before i sleep, i have no regrets and no one to miss. Honestly, If I had one wish to make today, I’d wish to finally see success. Any type of success. Because as much as i know that i am stronger than a year ago, i also know that i am at a verge of just wishing for what i should’nt wish for. May Allah forgive me.

As of right now, i just made a playlist for my sister’s wedding tomorrow. In Sha Allah. Hopefully all goes well. Hopefully they like the songs i like because i have, in total, found very less people who like the genres i usually drool over. But i tried to keep it a bit neutral.

There’s a lot i thought i wanted to write here but it seems a bit useless now. This stays here as my last post. But i do want to finally answer to the title of my first post here.
It says, Money or not? And i stick with a not. Y’know when you’re not a person who likes to live up to appearances, you’d never want money. Basically, that’s what Islam teaches us too. I have started to, and if anyone reads this, you should also look into the way of life of the Holy Prophet (PBUH) regardless of whatever religion you follow. He himself wasn’t a Muslim when even the non believers trusted him blindly. He was a good human being before he was a Muslim.

Anyways, cheers to me for finally believing in the many posts i used to see here and there which would say that time passes. Things get better. That you should save your sanity until it does. And that you should save it with the help of your faith. That never keep someone so close that they get hurt when you leave them or you get hurt when they leave you. That parents should be your first priority after religion. And that nothing is truer than the death that will befall upon us at its prescribed time.

-Peace out. Allah Hafiz.


How do you define happiness?! If you notice, it Isn’t one whole day or even one complete hour of happiness. it’s just that very moment and instance where your Insides feel a surge of excitement for any reason. It may last longer but it’s only that one instance that I personally define happiness as. That is enough of a reason to value and treasure the people things or moments that may help you live through these brief instances. Happiness is also when you forget about everything else. especially something that’s stuck in your heart like an arrow. I am not a big fan of kids tbh. no one would believe that. They are actually truly ..nvm..I am actually very impatient. but out of general courtesy I don’t mind spending time with them also because I believe this is is my happiness. That’s my general opinion on kids. but then I have my favorites. These are my first cousins. I’d do anything for them just out of love no matter what age they reach. Maybe because I’ve picked them up as newborns and now seeing them all grown up just melts my heart. I still don’t like any other kids though. esp if they’re ever mine. haha xD and by liking I mean, I won’t spend my time on them.



You told her red means love,

so when she bled at the oppression,

she thought its love

you told her blue is the water,

so when she cried a million tears,

she felt her thirst quench

you told her yellow is the falling of leaves,
so she wore yellow forgetting about the spring
you told her, black is for the mourning
so she wore black for the rest of her life
you told her white brings bad luck to the alive
so she stopped wearing white often

you forgot to tell her though
that colors, all of them, define only what you see
that without red, blue and yellow
black can never be
the light within her
is greater than the magic of light
which makes you see
the colors your mind defined and then you let it be
blessed to see the colors around
Aren’t we blessed further?

Beyond our eyes, is our mind

So don’t you ever wilfully fall for perjure!

It takes negative to build a positive.

I’ve known disappointment creep into the deepest corners of my soul. I’ve known the beauty of one single ray of hope making its way inside of me through the smallest hole of faith. I have known to fall and fall hard on the ground and I never learnt getting up until I realized why I was on the ground.. It takes courage to battle something external but it’s downright dauntless to fight something that has made its home within you. It takes pain, a lot of pain, to heal you once and for ever. It takes betrayal to teach you loyalty. It takes darkness to realize the beauty of darkness only. It takes rejection from friends, close friends, soul sisters,soul mates to make you realize your priorities, and their’s too. It takes depression to learn how to respect someone else’s. It takes sleeping pills to remain sane. It takes the hate for rainfalls to learn the gratitude of a sunny day. It takes living a nightmare to stop fearing the characters in it. But most importantly, it takes willing distance, half hearted prayers, deep ignorance, blessings and all of the above, to finally, eagerly, beg and crave for Him, His love, His help and His attention. It takes negative to build a positive. It takes negative to build a positive. It takes negative to build a positive.