Back when I first started writing here, I was a low key pessimist but not really, that’s mostly the judgment people make of me. I don’t feed myself with the negative thoughts that I share with most people, hehe. Which is why when they tell me to stop thinking negatively, all I can say is you know nothing m8. See for me, i like to keep possibilities. I expect the worst and I think that is a big reason why i thank God immensely for where I am right now. Most things He showed me could have been worse.
But I am not a pessimist. Maybe not an optimist either. I am a very hopeful person. It takes a lot to break my hopes after which there’s no looking back. I read about the law of attraction back when i was in grade 5 and very vacuously believed in it too. That belief never really left my side. Not much has changed except that I do realize now that life Is way more real than drawing on a paper and seeing it come true. There are many other factors. Some in your control, and some that leave you completely helpless and clueless.
I can’t say what page of my life I am at right now but I am sure it’s a blank one. I am sure I have to start fresh if I have to start at all. I know what to write as well. I am thankful for the things I have lost and also for the people who stayed with me through out regardless of the moody person i am. For the ones who didn’t, I only get reminded of the prayer I always used to make; that if a person has to break my heart in the future, take them away right now and I won’t pray for their return again. So I accept this as a blessing as well. There’s much you can learn about the people out there if you observe your family closely. My only mistake thus far was to search for different people outside. They don’t exist. There will be almost different but never completely different people by nature. Hence, you can take notes in those long years you’re stuck with your family.
Year 2016 therefore, goes down in history for me as the most important year In my life. No year in the past or future can come close to it. Because nothing that has happened will ever repeat itself. The major lesson I take with me, is to leave the hands of the people who want their hands left. This is that very point when no matter what you do, things just don’t work out. When you start losing parts of you in saving something that the other person doesn’t want saved, let them go. I found it extremely hard to let go of people that have made little or big space in my heart. I lose myself a little each time i have to unfriend somebody. I also find it extremely difficult to let people know how much they mean to me, esp with words. I just can’t do it. There are times when people compliment me and i forget to say thank you because i get very awkward. but I also know that there are people out there who can look into my eyes and know me all. That my words sometimes in their utmost clarity will mean nothing to some people while for others, my silent whispers are enough. Then if the choice lies with me, i’d choose temporary hurt for losing someone who would want my words, not my intentions and rather choose to be surrounded by the very few who know me by my intentions, if not fully, at least a little, if not by luck, at least by effort.
Besides the many realities which sound so basic now, but came to me all at once so it seemed like the entire world crashed down on me, i got enough time for self reflection. Which eventually, brought me closer to Allah taala. I won’t lie and tell you there’s peace in prayers. But it’s no secret that there’s no peace like the one you get out of the right prayer. By which i mean, what really was your intention before you stood on that prayer mat? For a very long time, in fact, a very very long time, i thought prayers is just to ask for what i want or for when i am sad. And i used to do it. Even when i realized there’s more to it than just that. It’s only when i saw no fruits out of my materialistic wishes that i stopped doing it. I used to pray a lot for my studies and career. Especially when i felt like i am losing my focus. But then again, like they say, what’s not meant to be, will never be. Or more accurately, all of us are dependent on His “kun”.
So all in all, with respect to many things, like people close to me and dreams even closer, my hopes have finally broken. Or my delusions. I don’t know. But they have. And there’s no looking back. It also hurts, i think that won’t ever stop. But i do hope, that each night before i sleep, i have no regrets and no one to miss. Honestly, If I had one wish to make today, I’d wish to finally see success. Any type of success. Because as much as i know that i am stronger than a year ago, i also know that i am at a verge of just wishing for what i should’nt wish for. May Allah forgive me.
As of right now, i just made a playlist for my sister’s wedding tomorrow. In Sha Allah. Hopefully all goes well. Hopefully they like the songs i like because i have, in total, found very less people who like the genres i usually drool over. But i tried to keep it a bit neutral.
There’s a lot i thought i wanted to write here but it seems a bit useless now. This stays here as my last post. But i do want to finally answer to the title of my first post here.
It says, Money or not? And i stick with a not. Y’know when you’re not a person who likes to live up to appearances, you’d never want money. Basically, that’s what Islam teaches us too. I have started to, and if anyone reads this, you should also look into the way of life of the Holy Prophet (PBUH) regardless of whatever religion you follow. He himself wasn’t a Muslim when even the non believers trusted him blindly. He was a good human being before he was a Muslim. The very username here is a lesson in itself for me. lol.
Anyways, cheers to me for finally believing in the many posts i used to see here and there which would say that time passes. Things get better. That you should save your sanity until it does. And that you should save it with the help of your faith. That never keep someone so close that they get hurt when you leave them or you get hurt when they leave you. That parents should be your first priority after religion. And that nothing is truer than the death that will befall upon us at its prescribed time.
-Peace out. Allah Hafiz.